My Sister

There is no sense in wasting time in words, I will say it point blank, that my sister has a mental illness. To what capacity and extent we do not fully know. It is my belief that one cannot ever know the full capacity of a mental illness. The mind is too vast and there are way too many factors.  What we do know, that is mainly my mother and me, because even though we have by most standards quite a large family, my mother trusts me the most with this knowledge. Knowing that in certain cases like friends of the family, I will be able to tell incomplete truths, without them being out right lies. For instance when asked, "Do you know where your sister is right now?" I would simply answer, "not right now." But it would be safe to say this. My sister has schizophrenia and quite possibly a bi-polar disorder. Now that I have given this piece of information about my sister, let me say this, mental illnesses run in the family. My mother's father was suspected of having schizophrenia, he committed suicide by shooting himself while my mother was in the house. Over 40 years ago. My uncle has a bi-polar disorder. My aunt tried to commit suicide by stuffing a rag in her car's muffler, she has depression. I myself have a mental illness, a illness, that despite what people say in the media, afflicts thousands of people in America. Why am I giving this much about myself away? I am not entirely sure. Part of it is that I want to really be understood for who I am, I want people to read these words and judge if they want to. As if their judgment meant anything to me. I am tired of being faced almost daily with words uttered by people that do not understand what they are saying about a mental illness. I cannot educate entirely, only give my perspective. My perspective is that people often judge to harshly that which they do not understand. My life has been a living testament of this, I do not think, I know that I have been misunderstood, and that I have been hurt countless times because of this. I have become the person that I am today for better or worse because of this. My sister once a "functioning member of society" (direct quote from someone) (whatever that really means) is now not. Meaning she doesn't have a job, she doesn't eat unless almost forced, she doesn't take care of herself. She had so much more, lived more lavishly and independently than anyone I have ever known. On her own "steam." I do not know if she will be able to do this again or not, part of me thinks not her mind is not completely whole. But then she doesn't talk to me, but she's noticeably still as intelligent as ever. That's my main point people with mental illnesses can function in society, but only ultimately with the help of the society around them. Just a friendly reminder. I will be posting more on this topic in the future.

Observations and Imaginations

Tonight I went to a banquet as a volunteer for FCC at Disney's Coronado Springs Resort and Convention Center, to help in whatever way I could. Though I have to say that I went into it believing that I would be helping more than I did. Basically all I did tonight was stand in place for two hours directing people which way to go, most of the time when it was quite obvious. After that I sat down to dinner with a group of fellow students who were in the back (I'm not sure what that says about me that I placed in the back, I'm not sure that it wasn't done either intentionally or unintentionally). However I looked over and noticed that there were at least two other tables in the back that had only students sitting at them. I felt that this was quite odd as we were each told that we were going to be sitting with guests to tell them about the college, I felt a little bit annoyed and a little bit put out that my more dormant social abilities weren't put to use. Ah well, C'est La Vie (for all those out there contending that my more obvious yet "unexplainable" personality quirks can only be described as "he's French") even though on that note I more likely to smile and nod not finding any way to deny the observation. Though I do say that I am in love with the music of Edith Piaf.

What else can I say about this night? Much and yet maybe very little. I have to say that the food was quite excellent and having a empty seat right next to you was quite useful when you're hungry. Also when you're trying not to look completely out of place and trying to fill in the silence (notice I say silence and not awkward silence) of "almost" running out of witty things to say to your fellow classmates.

For starter's they had Beefsteak Tomatoes with Buffalo Mozzarella with Balsamic Basil Vinaigrette "salad" for the entree they had Chicken with Mashed Potatoes and for dessert they had Praline Cheesecake (this is where the having an empty seat came in handy, I ate two, and I wonder what most people would have thought had they known that they were eating pecans) not to mention I also had six cups of coffee, two glasses of water, and two glasses of tea. I was actually surprised that the tea wasn't that sweet considering we're in the "South" and that's what "Southern" people drink. Okay I know that you don't care about my diet, but it's part of what made this night interesting, and it's what you write about when you're extremely caffeinated. Eating is also what you do when you feel cast aside like an uninteresting and thereby "useless" object.

The main speaker was Cal Thomas, all I can tell you now is that he is a really good speaker, I'm still not entirely sure what he does, but that he writes articles, and lives and works in D.C., he also seemed to have quite a few jabs at the Democratic party (which I view as ridiculous because I believe that both the Republican and the Democratic party have both upsides and downsides) oh and I know that there are some Christian people out there that believe that the Republican party is the only way to go. I have to say that point of view is completely ridiculous. Take the issue of abortion there are plenty of Republicans that support abortion, just as there are plenty of Democrats that are pro-life. I personally believe that there should be a melding of the two parties to make one good party for all, but that's never going to happen. Back to point the speaker also included one too many of his own advertisements, saying everything except "Buy my stuff and you'll be eternally happy." I'm not sure if other's felt this way or not, but I did and it made me increasingly uncomfortable to know that someone was using a night that should have been about FCC for their own gain, even if it was in some small way, and unintentional. (I also noticed a limo when leaving the banquet parked at the curb outside, I couldn't help but believe that it was his limo, and thinking some odd thoughts that went along with that at the same time. Like that it's easy to speak about money not being an issue when you have it).

Tonight upon mentioning to someone that I wasn't sure if I liked Cal Thomas this person said to me, "Not too many people are sure that they like you either." Which I didn't take as an insult because I don't want everyone to like me if everyone did like me that would mean that I wasn't doing something right and that I wasn't being true to myself. Because I firmly believe that being a Christian doesn't mean not being true to yourself or losing yourself, I believe that God loves our unique abilities and these abilities can be used for Him. I was also told by that person that I was liked, so I had mixed emotions at that particular moment. But I also smiled inwardly in that I have a characteristic about me that makes me both liked and disliked. I was also told tonight that was cynical, which is a compliment for me. Here's a story that illustrates this feeling in me...........

When I was a senior in high school and I went to Grad Night at Disney World. I remember being there with some people who I believed were my friends. Only to have them leave me at a certain point in time when they thought that I wasn't paying attention to leave me all alone during a night that should have been a completely happy memory for me. Well it was certainly memorable for me. I spent two hours alone until I found some other people from my school. It's not one but many past experiences like this that have made me the way I am today. If I am cynical it is a good thing in my mind, because even though I know that people will always let me down, that God is the only one who will not, that nevertheless it will be that much harder for someone to do a similar thing to me again. If it does happen I will be expecting it, so it will hurt less. I have found this to be true.

Well now tonight was also about making friends which I'm not sure I did. I am sure that these people were already my friends, but I did get to know them a bit more and that's never a bad thing. I am not true believer yet in having lifelong friends, because I have never had any, only time will tell. I also know that having friends in a certain place keeps you tied to that place, which I am not sure that I ever want to be tied to a particular place. However I do know that I want friends. Friends are all that I ever may have because of personal reasons, and this might be sharing too much but I feel that a part of me has always felt alone. It's the reason I often seem down, all I know is that being around people, even if they are not friends, makes me feel for that brief moment a little less alone.

Obsession

I write continuously in my journal, the following is one entry, however in the future any journal entries that I choose to post, "Journal Entry" will come before it.

The passage in the bible where the adulteress woman was brought before Christ by the Jewish leaders, this was a plot to trap Christ into either disobeying the Mosaic law or His own teachings. Christ simply responded let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Little by little everyone of her accusers left. This passage is important it shows the equality of all sin, all sin is equal in God eyes, no one is free from guilt. Christ's last words to the woman are "go and sin no more," this doesn't mean that we are capable of complete freedom of sin, but with the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for our sins, all sins are washed away, and we have hope in Christ.

Something else there was a quote by Tennyson that was brought up today, concerning the hearts of men,

"Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will.

To strive, to seek, and not to yield."

This quote could be applied to any obsession. I'm trying to make sure that obsession for me is Christianity, but it becomes hard to block the other passions and obsessions out sometimes. This says for me that we are to strive and seek perfection knowing that it is our fate to not achieve, however it is also our "fate" to be saved through Christ, redeemed by Him. We are also to do our best not to yield to temptation in its many forms. I know this but I feel that I might not have the willing heart to yield as I should. Well my dreamer's mind wanders, but dreams are all I may ever I have.

Perpetua

Perpetua was a young woman who would not renounce her faith in Christ during Roman times. She was imprisoned and even after several attempts on her father's part to get her to renounce her faith and save her life she would not. She was sentenced to die with several other people in a amphitheater. When she was brought out naked and bound the spectators were so overcome with her beauty that they demanded she be clothed. Clothed or not she was still sentenced to die, a wild bull rushed at one of her companions whose name was Felicitas severely wounding her. Perpetua rushed to her friend and helped her, whether it was this act or something else we'll never know, but something drew the bull away from the two woman. A soldier, who may have been young and without much practice, pulled out his sword and stabbed Perpetua several times, severely wounding her, but not mortally wounding her. It was the hand of Perpetua guiding the soldier's hand to her heart that caused her death.

I remember hearing this story a few years ago and then I forgot about the woman's name the only reminder in my mind was the image that I had in my head after hearing this story. I do not know if every Christian person is called to be a martyr, I do not expect many people to believe this tale, however whether someone believes or not is not the issue here. I just thought this was a great example of how a strong faith and belief can lead people to do great things that normally wouldn't be done. Perpetua stood up for her belief in God and in Christ, by not renouncing her faith (which was a crime punishable by death), by standing up against her father, and by finally dying for her faith and in doing so becoming a martyr. I do not know if I could ever do something like this, I'd like to believe that I would, but it wouldn't be easy, especially if the only two options were life and death.